


Healing With You

by Writinginstardust



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Bonding, F/M, Fluff, Holding Hands, Kinda, Stargazing, also way too much talk about the stars, deep emotional conversations, sharing secrets and fears, they're both super nervous and it's cute, unspoken feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 19:30:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16750234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writinginstardust/pseuds/Writinginstardust
Summary: Having got to know each other after months of searching for Vassa, just days from arriving back at Prythian Lucien and (Y/N) find themselves on deck in the middle of the night. They confide in each other their fears and talk about their hopes and dreams and feelings which have remained unspoken for a while start to make themselves known.





	Healing With You

**Author's Note:**

> Okay it's been a while since I read ACOWAR so I may have messed the timeline of Lucien's search up a little bit, idk, just go with it. Also backstory for the reader is that she is a friend of Mor's who lived in Velaris and lost a lot of her family in Hybern's attack on the city so has now decided she wants to help in the war and volunteered to go hunt for Vassa with Lucien. I thought up a lot more backstory for her but that's all that's really relevant for this.

After weeks at sea, the ceaseless rocking of the ship which had once caused her stomach to turn had become the one thing which could somewhat calm (Y/N)’s nerves so it was unsurprising to Lucien to find her at the ship’s prow in the middle of the night, staring off into the distance. He knew she must have been worrying they might not make it in time again, it had been keeping her awake more and more as of late and he’d lost count of the times he’d found her out here.

A light breeze ruffled her hair and she took in a deep steadying breath, imagining the wind carried with it the scent of home. She’d sensed Lucien behind her, could feel his gaze, but was content to let him decide if or when he wanted to join her. And he did, he was always happier in her company, but was struck by how she looked in the soft glow of the moonlight, practically glowing with the light dancing off the flowing strands of her hair. He felt an ache in his chest, a longing deep in his soul, a yearning he’d never expected to feel after Jesminda, but one he wouldn’t act on, not with what was to come.

His footsteps seemed much too loud in the relative quiet of the night as he walked over and joined her. Still neither spoke, just drew comfort from each other’s presence as they had countless times since their journey began, the gentle lapping of the waves against the boat and occasional breeze the only sound for some time.

“Do you think we’ll make it in time to help?” The quiet question broke their silence and Lucien turned his head to look at her. Her gaze hadn’t shifted from the horizon but her attention was clearly on him now.

“I guess we can only hope.” His answer wasn’t quite the reassurance she’d hoped it would be but it was the reality they faced.

“I’m scared Lucien. I’m scared we’ll be too late, that Hybern will have slaughtered them all, that they’ll have laid waste to Prythian before we even have a chance to defend it. I’m scared that even if we get there in time, it won’t make a difference, scared for everyone who can’t fight, scared about what will happen to everyone back home. And I’m tired, tired of not knowing, tired of not being there to defend my home, tired of being so damn scared all the time. I… I just want it to be over already, one way or another…”

They lapsed back into silence after (Y/N)’s confession, Lucien mulling over everything she’d revealed, the fears he knew had been weighing on her for months now, and the implication of her final statement.

“I’m scared too, you know? I think we all are, some of us just hide it better. I didn’t expect to be scared when we left, didn’t really think I had much to fight for, much to miss, much to live for even.” At that (Y/N) stilled and sucked in a shocked breath but allowed Lucien the space to continue uninterrupted.

It was an agreement they’d made the day they set sail when they were all but strangers to each other; to never press for more information, to respect their boundaries and limitations without question, and to listen to whatever they needed to talk through. Both had known suffering and loss, recent and long passed, were broken in some ways that time might not even heal, but they each hoped to help the other through it all.

It took a moment but Lucien gathered his thoughts and continued. “But this time away, this time with you, it’s reminded me that there is something to fight for, something that deserves to be protected, a better future I want to experience. And I’m so scared I might not live to see that, that you and the friends we’ve made won’t live to see it. But that fear makes us stronger, having something to fight for…something to lose…something we’ll defend to our last breaths, it makes us harder to beat, it’s why I think we can win this war.”

At certain points during his speech, his eyes had flicked over to her and she hadn’t failed to notice. Just as he had done, (Y/N) took a moment to think through his words, she felt the truth in them, the conviction he had, and that, more than anything else, eased her nerves about what lay ahead for a little while. She let out a breath and leaned her head on his shoulder, a smile making its way onto her face.

“So, what are you fighting to have in this better future of yours?”

 _You_  he wanted to say but didn’t, couldn’t. Instead he blurted, “the chance to find a family, somewhere I belong,” and was surprised to realise just how true that answer was. A real family, one that cared and accepted him unconditionally was something he’d yet to have, thought he never would have. He’d never truly belonged anywhere and, despite not thinking about it before, realised he desperately wanted to.

“I hope you get the chance, you deserve that happiness.”

“What about you?” She thought for a minute, there was so much she wanted.

“I want to see a world rebuilt and united, fae and humans living in harmony, I want to live to see the sunrise over Velaris again, I want to be able to watch it and know we’re safe at last. I want to see my little niece, to be able to tell her stories about her mother and make sure my sister’s memory lives on. I want all my friends to survive and get the futures they deserve.” She huffed a laugh, “I don’t ask for much do I?”

“I think they’re pretty reasonable things to ask for.”

“I doubt whatever forces control things in this world see it that way.” She sighed sadly and tilted her head back to gaze at the night sky. “You know, before we set off, I’d never even left Velaris, never had reason to before Amarantha. I didn’t realise how lucky I was or how much I’d miss it, miss the way the stars shine at night.”

“There’s stars out here too you know.” Lucien teased, pointing up at the sky, “I’m pretty sure they’re the same ones.”

She rolled her eyes and huffed out a laugh, “I know  _that._  It’s not the same though. They’re brighter back home, and there’s more of them. They still look beautiful all the way out here but…gods…you should see them in Velaris.” A wistful, far off look settled on her face, her slight smile the most relaxed he’d seen from her in weeks. “Is it strange that I always feel safer at night? The stars have always meant home for me, I feel better when I can see them, even if they’re not as bright as I’m used to.”

“No, I don’t think it’s strange. I think it’s nice to have a bit of home with you wherever you are.” He just wished he had that too and in the wake of the ache that brought him, tried to lighten the conversation somewhat. “So, what’s so great about these stars of yours in Velaris?”

“I don’t know, they almost feel alive somehow. I know it makes no sense but it feels like they’re watching over you, guiding you, comforting you. Maybe it’s just me but whenever I need help, they seem to answer.”

“They certainly sound pretty amazing.”

“They are,” she yawned and rubbed her neck, aching from the angle she’d held it at for so long, before laying down on the deck and directing her eyes back at the sky. “Maybe you could come see them sometime? See the whole city, once it’s rebuilt anyway. I could…” her voice turned suddenly nervous and her eyes flicked to him, “I could show you everything…if you’d like?”

 _Show him her home, share that with him_. The words went unspoken but the implication was there. She wanted him to stay in her life, to see and know everything she loved, to share something so personal with  _him_. The extra weight in the offer took him off-guard but he wasn’t surprised to discover he wanted to accept.

(Y/N) continued to lay there, silent and still, a quiet hope forming in her eyes. Eyes which Lucien briefly became lost in, their colour seeming brightened by the surrounding darkness with the reflection of the stars dancing within like they belonged there rather than in the sky, he’d never seen something so beautiful. He swallowed a wave of unidentifiable emotion directed at her and nodded stiffly.

“That would be nice,” he said softly and joined her on the deck, _if we survive_ didn’t need to be said but they could both feel it hanging in the air. “So, do you have any other plans for when this is over?”

“I think I’d like to travel, after I spend some time back home. I want to see the rest of Prythian, I want to meet people from the other courts, help everyone rebuild our world if I can. Maybe I’ll become an emissary, Mor already said I was welcome to the job if I wanted it, she thinks I’ve got the head for diplomacy, I’m not so sure though.” She laughed at a memory from long ago which chose to surface, diplomacy was definitely not her strongest skill but she could work on it she supposed. “What are you going to do?”

“Feyre offered me an emissary position too, maybe I’ll take her up on that. I don’t exactly have a place in the Spring Court anymore, Autumn hasn’t been an option for a long time, maybe things will work out better in the Night Court.”

“Well we’d be glad to have you.  _Velaris_  would be glad to have you if you wanted to make it your home.” She didn’t dare look at him while she spoke, she wanted him to stay but was scared of how much, scared he’d see that in her eyes if she looked. As if he couldn’t already tell from the obvious racing of her heart.

Slowly, tentatively Lucien reached for her hand between them and entwined their fingers together, also unable to look at her in the moment. Even so, he didn’t miss the way her breathing stuttered at the action or the slight tremor in her hand.

“I think…I would be glad to make Velaris my home as well.” If he’d looked, he would have seen a lone tear fall from (Y/N)’s eye and a relieved smile forcing its way across her face and for once reaching her eyes. So happy, she couldn’t find the words to respond and instead just squeezed his hand. It conveyed all the answer he needed.

Neither moved to speak again that night and neither moved to leave. Eventually they fell asleep still holding hands and warm despite the cool night air.  _I love you_  went unsaid as it had for a long time but they both knew, the unspoken words now a promise that they’ll win this war and survive to say it another day.


End file.
